im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
