I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
