there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
