he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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