Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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