there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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