dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
