A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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