im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
