i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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