i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
