Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
