i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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