I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
