mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
