I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
