i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
