it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
