I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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