just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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