I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
