Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Sorry my hands just texted you
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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