Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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