I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
