Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
