omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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