I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
