2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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