I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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