My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
