well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
