I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
