I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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