Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
