I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
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