you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
