My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Randomize
