He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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