woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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