I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Im part way to drunk.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
