Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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