i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
