so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
