Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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