Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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