I met the friendliest cop last night
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
