the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
