Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
