I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
