the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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