I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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