Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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