I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
