I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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